Hey, Broomhead Grrrl! I don’t know who you are or where you come from, but gosh you sure looked a caution yesterday, an otherwise seemingly normal and non-insane-looking twenty-something cutie on her very expensive bike, only with an hilarious, sawn-off length of broom inserted into one of the ventilation holes in your helmet. Hah! What a delightfully incongruous picture you made! It was almost like one of those Kaiser Wilhelm motorcycle helmets, only not, because cute! And playful! And amusing! In fact, the only part of the joke I didn’t get was, why were you wearing a helmet?

Because I mean, you know. Most people wear a helmet when they ride their bikes in order to prevent head injuries in the event of an accident, but clearly, if you were anticipating an accident — or even cautiously, sensibly refusing to deny at least the possibility of an accident — you almost certainly wouldn’t have inserted a large, cheap wooden dowel through the middle of the thing that would otherwise possibly save your life in a collision or fall, owing to the likelihood that said dowel would almost certainly be plunged through your skull and into your brain on impact. Which would almost certainly dilute the humorous impact somewhat. On the brighter side, if the broom were simply to fall out of your helmet and become lodged in the spokes of one of your tires, while the resulting crash might very well injure you very badly, at least you wouldn’t be lying there like a douche with a splintered wooden shaft piercing your brain, so there’s that. Let’s a keep a good thought, shall we?

Anyway, you are a delight, Broomhead Grrrl! Congratulations on being the first in our series. Keep up the good work, and remember: safety first!

Wedding Vows needed STAT (Downtown)

Reply to:gigs-qkgu5-XXXXXX@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-06-03, 5:51PM EDT

Have not had the time nor creativity to come up with my vows for my wedding. I am looking for a professional to write them for me instead. Please provide any past experience and contact information. You are a life saver

I — I just — honestly? I can’t even be funny.

First of all, where the hell did people suddenly get the idea, in the last twenty years or so, that you are even supposed to come up with vows for your wedding? Hasn’t Judeo-Christian culture had a set of widely-recognized and accepted marriage vows for the past couple eons or so? Take out the fucking “obey” and you’re golden, dude, seriously. Second of all, if you absolutely insist on writing your own — no, scratch that. If you kept insisting that you were going to write your own even while everyone you know tried to take you discreetly aside and warn you that no one in the history of ever has EVER managed to pull this off without looking like a complete douchebox, and even now you STILL insist upon doing it, it should be for one reason and one reason only: because you absolutely, positively, cannot restrain yourself from standing up in front of God and everyone and publicly informing everyone you have ever known and loved that you are a tree and you give shade while suckling the bosom of the earth, and that you bend without breaking, and that you are also a bird, that flies over the meadows of your betrothed, and that you eat the seeds and berries of commitment while feathering your nest with the plumage of your devotion, and that you are likewise a meandering river, slaking your true love’s thirst and bending and twisting while still remaining true, and that NO FUCKING POWER ON EARTH WILL EVER PREVENT YOU FROM MAKING SUCH A LAUGHABLE PUBLIC SPECTACLE OF YOURSELF. And frankly, “not having the time nor creativity to come up with” anything like that does not suggest this frame of mind as forcefully as you might think. Also, if, as I suspect, you’re only doing this because your intended is forcing you to against your will, best judgment, and God-given common sense, I got news for you. She’s gonna have your balls in a clamp for the rest of your life, pal. Take my word for it. If you can’t even stand up on this one, basic, dignity-crushing thing, you will have no hope of ever spending another holiday with your side of the family ever again, I’m just saying.

And finally: Experience? You want to know how much experience someone has ghostwriting other people’s vows for them? Because Jesus Fuck, buddy, I’d sure like to hope that you’re it, you know?

But I’d probably be proven wrong by about ten seconds of online research.

And that concludes today’s “Profiles In Craigslist.” Craigslist. Inspiring me with vicious contempt for the estate of marriage out of freaking nowhere in the middle of an otherwise normal Thursday afternoon since 1995.

“It’s no secret that the marketing of lady-products has, historically, been an evil-genius sort of affair, making a killing for pharmaceutical companies by convincing women that our bodies are a little gross, and that we should spend our hard-earned cash on products that ameliorate the yuckiness.” 


The article is a reference to this commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3kugHmbNgQ&feature=player_embedded

which has been driving me intermittently batshit since it first appeared on my TV screen about a year ago. The reason is that I actually think this had the potential to be a clever, startling, original and rather witty little ad, until the boys in Rewrite apparently got their hands on it.

For some reason, I envision the original script for the spot being, in essence: Girls get off the plane at airport, ready for some vacay. Mother Nature shows up with a little “surprise!” for them, and they’re all, “nuh-uh, Mother Nature. We got our Tampax. Let the swimming and horseback riding commence!”

And then … there was the pitch meeting.

AdGirl: So what do you guys think?

Dude 1: I don’t get it.

Dude 2: Who’s the crazy lady with the flower in her hat?

AdGirl: Well, that’s Mother Nature. See?

Dude 1: Well, okay, I mean I guess I see that, but what’s the thing about the surprise?

AdGirl: Okay, see, they’re on vacation. At the beach? And then, you know. Mother Nature shows up? With a little … surprise?

Dude 1: They have to pee?

Dude 2: Dude, no. They’re pregnant.

AdGirl: No, they’re not pregnant. It’s — haven’t you ever heard women joking about getting a visit from Mother Nature? You know, when they get their period?

Dude 1: Oh, gross.

AdGirl: Kevin? It’s a Tampax ad. What the heck did you think it was about?

Dude 2: Yeah, but, you gotta be clear. I mean, people won’t know until the end that it’s a Tampax ad. It doesn’t say at the front of the ad, “the following is an ad for Tampax.”

AdGirl: Okay, but that’s the joke.

Dude 1: I still don’t get it.

AdGirl: The whole point is that it’s not spelled out. Girls are at the airport, they’ve packed their bikinis, it’s like, Hawaii or whatever, and then here comes Mother Nature with a little “gift.” It’s sly. You don’t spell it out. You give people a second to get it, and it kind of takes them by surprise.

Dude 2: Yeah, but if it’s an ad for a period product, you have to let people know it’s a period product, right?

Dude 1: Dude seriously, gross!

AdGirl: But that’s the whole point! We are telling them, we’re just doing it in a subtle, inside sort of way. It’s funnier that way.

Dude 2: Yeah, see, I don’t see that. Can’t she just say “Hi, I’m Mother Nature. Here’s your menstrual cycle”? That way everyone’s on the same page right out of the gate.

Dude 1: I agree.

AdGirl: Because it’s not funny that way.

Dude 2: Dude, there’s nothing funny about menstruation.

Dude 1: I so agree.

AdGirl: Look, has either of you ever had a period? Would you even know what to do with it if you did?

Dude2: “Well, it might help a guy organize his time better.”

Dude1: Ha! Dude! Awesome.

AdGirl: Look, I will concede that it might help to have Mother Nature actually identify herself as Mother Nature up front, for clarity’s sake. I can be on board with that. But every woman — and I emphasize woman. You know, the people we’re actually marketing this product to —?

Dude1: Oh, I don’t know about that.

Dude2: I think you’re taking the unnecessarily narrow view.

AdGirl: — will understand and get it and find it amusing.

Dude2: You know, I actually think we’re all more-or-less in agreement here, we’re just arguing over the fine details. So, how about this. The chicks get off the pl — Sorry. The women get off the plane, and this nutty-looking lady comes up, and she’s like “Hiiiii! I’m Mother Nature! As you probably know, every month I bring you the beautiful gift of your menstrual flow. So here’s a little present for you. It’s the Curse! In this box with the dot on it.”

Dude1: It’s a period.

Dude2: I’m getting to that.

Dude1: No, the red dot. It’s supposed to be a “period,” get it? Like the dot at the end of a sentence.

Dude2: Oh, shit. I totally never got that.

Dude1: Me neither. Connie in Sales explained it to me.

Dude2: Gross.

Dude1: I know, right?

Dude2: Anyway, so, she’s like. Here’s your special present! Surprise! It’s your monthly visit! You know, your period. That thing where you bleed through your vagina for a week? And you can’t go to the beach or wear white pants or drive too close to the zoo. So your vacation’s shot, tough luck I guess.” And then the women are all, “oh, noes! Our periods? Gross! But wait. We can use our Tampax to stanch the flow of shedding uterine cells, and because, unlike traditional sanitary napkins, they can be worn internally, we’ll still be able to go swimming and rock our bikinis, although we should probably still steer clear of captive wild animals.” See, that would work for me. That way, everyone gets the thread, and nobody feels excluded or left out of the joke, and we sell a lot of Tampax and everyone’s happy.

Dude1: Genius.

AdGirl: I so quit.

The thing is, this being on the Broadsheet blog, the Salon piece must needs bring the post-feminist silly, and consequently it concludes on much the same note as it began:

“In the end, the campaign delivers the same old message (your body is gross) with the same old objective (capitalizing on women’s shame to make them pliant consumers). Really, it’s enough to give a girl that not-so-fresh feeling.”

Which brings me to my point.

Call me a reactionary anti-feminist self-loathing dinosaur, but regardless of whether I or anybody else of either gender considers my and/or their own bodies “gross?” If it’s bleeding out one end for five-to-seven days at a stretch, I for one am gonna do something to tidy that bitch up. And if that makes me the hapless stooge of the corporate patriarchy, then so freaking be it.

College Girl Needs Phenomenal Literary Agent! (Downtown)

Reply to: xxxxxxxxxzx@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Date: 2009-07-09, 6:50PM EDT

I am a 22 year old student who has just finished her first 300 page fiction novel. I am going through the process of editing it myself and tightening up loose ends. I have 4 other novels planned, 1 of which already has 100 pages completed. I am looking for a literary agent who has the means to get me an amazing book deal with a big publisher.

I want this literary agent to stick with me through all of my novels so that we can both profit. I want to be close to my agent as if we were family. I’m young, very marketable, and basically guarantee that I am not just a one-time novel writer. I started this book last september, finished most of it by january, took a couple months break to concentrate on classes, and then finished it in the past 2 months. I move quick, but my work is quality

Also, I would like a pony and a tiara, no — make that two tiaras, one regular and one where the diamonds are pink. I would prefer it if you would pick up the tab for our first meeting, and I’m partial to the Russian Tea Room, but I’d settle for the bar at the Algonquin, even though I know what a cliché that must sound like lol. Let’s just call it “ironic” lol.

Now, as for my advance. I’m thinking in the low-to-mid millions, but between you and me, I’ll give you permission to settle for the higher 750’s-to-800 thousands if push comes to shove, seeing as how there’s a depression and also I realize I have to pay my dues. But in that case I must absolutely insist upon retaining the film rights, up to and including full script approval and consultation on casting. I don’t think that’s unreasonable, because this book is me, it is my baby and it is my soul and that’s hard for people to understand but all the greats feel this way, I assure you, about their writing.

Finally, I’d like to get all this petty paper-pushing nonsense wrapped up and out of the way by the end of the summer — sooner if possible so I can take a couple of weeks around Labor Day to just decompress at the beach and get ready for Novel Two, so if you can get back to me ASAP about this that would be awesome. I’ll have my cell turned off tonight and most of Saturday because of plans with friends (whom you must understand come first with me, always) but I will be free most of Sunday so possibly we can do brunch? If that’s too “short notice” any time during this coming week would be okay too I guess.

So I guess that’s it. I’m eager to get to work and so are you I’m sure so, shoot me an e-mail and let’s get started! So excited lol!

(Oh and Binky you bitch, if you’re reading this now you can just go eff off, you had your chance and you blew it.)

And that concludes today’s Profiles In craigslist. craigslist. Leaving me smiling quietly to myself since 1995.

You have a brand new heart.